HEY

My hands are cold, and shaking. My heart beats so fast and I can feel every pounding of it through my chest. My eyes feel like they're going to flow rivers. Endless.

I don't even know why I let myself get into this. I did this to myself. And now I'm hurting so much. I know some people will tell me that I have no right to feel hurt because I was the one who did the wrong move. But hey, I just did myself a favor of being true to my heart. Nobody should tell me now that I have no right to feel hurt, because this is really what I'm feeling right now.

What have I actually done? I was okay the past few days, and here it goes. The year is almost over but there's still some more bad memories who want to complete my experience list. I don't get it. Why do I always, ALWAYS have to go through this kind of sh*t. I've had enough since childhood. Until now. When will I ever be happy?

Crying just makes my eyes look baggy and all. And the worst part is that my mouth has no use as of now. I can't yell, or scream, or shout. I can't. And that just makes it harder for me.

I wanna let it out. I wanna let it all out--out of my heart so the pain would go with the words as I say them, as I yell them--hoping that it would help me feel better.

WHY CAN'T IT BE? WHAT IF? I WISH YOU LOVED ME.

Lately, I've been having this feeling of excitement about someone. He makes me feel happy whenever I talk to him. Maybe it's because I knew that I had feelings for him back in the days. But c'mon. It's been a long time. I don't even know why I was very interested on him again.

We were having a very nice conversation made up of reminiscing the past, giggles, happy thoughts and all. I even took pictures of myself, and I can honestly say that there's something in my eyes.. something I can hardly explain. Though I feel like it's coming from within. Happiness.

We've been okay even until we said our good nights and good mornings. It's the feeling of not getting over the amazing conversation yet. But everything changed when I remembered one thing: he's already taken.

He's already in a very nice relationship and they've been together for quite a long time. This made me realize that I'm just expecting too much out of nothing. I was being carried away by the emotions and happy feeling that I forgot the truth. He's happily living his life before we bumped into each other again. We like each other, and we both know that. But it just can't be.

So I made him listen to the song "Why Can't It Be" by Nina

You came along, unexpectedly
I was doing fine in my little world
Oh baby please don't get me wrong
'Cause I'm not complaining
But you see, you got my mind spinning

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, at the wrong time
Or was it me

Baby I dream of you every minute
You're in my dreams
You're always in it
That's the only place I know
Where you could be mine
And I'm yours (Baby I'm yours)
Only till I wake up

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, (you came along) at the wrong time
Or was it me

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, (you came along) at the wrong time
You came along at the wrong place
At the wrong time
Or was it me (Or was it me)

Why can't it be...

My tears found their way out. And I just can't help it. I kept asking myself. Why? Why was it too late for us. Why didn't things go our way back to the days when we still had the chance.

Actually, I could still be with him. But I don't want to. I told him, I don't want to be a distraction on his relationship. I know myself too well. I will be hurt. And I wanted to avoid it. But still, another question runs through my mind. What If?

And while browsing for songs that I can dedicate to him, I found Kate Winslet's "What If"

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

If we could only turn back time. But no, we can't. So we'll really never know. And I'd just have to deal with it.

But you know what? I'm still hoping, though I know it's never gonna happen. I asked him, "Do you love her?" and he answered "Yes." He even told me that he loves me and he didn't want me to stay away and leave. The exact words would be:

Boy: Mahal kita. (I love you.)
Girl: Pero mas mahal mo siya. (But you love her more.)

How I just wish it's me instead. How I wish he loved me. Only me.

And what I wanted to tell him has been pre-written in Tynisha Keli's "I Wish You Loved Me"

Somethin, somethin as simple as me hearin' your name (hearin' your name)
Puts me, puts me in a place that i can't even explain (uh oh, noO i ain't never been here before)
I really didn't know back then but right now I'm totally sure
Baby, i know I'm your friend but i wanna be much more (o0oh)

I get butterflies when i see you comin', o0o boy you got me runnin'
This feelin' in my stomach tells me i should be your woman
Because your the only one who makes my fairy tale come true

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

VERSE TWO:
I see, i see you talkin' to them girls on the phone
I wish that i could tell them all to leave you alone
Really didn't know back then, but right now I'm totally sure
Wh0aa who0 that i wanna be much more

Boy this is why, i never really liked your girlfriends (why)
Never really gave them a chance (why)

Because I realized that I'm your woman, your woman

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

BRIDGE:
Said if you really love somebody, i mean really really really, really love somebody
Let me hear you say yeah, let me hear you say yeah, yeahh
If you really know you need them, and you know deep down you never gonna leave them
Let me hear you say yeah yeah, hear you say yeah yeah

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

It's such a..Uhm.. I don't know. This song just struck me like so bad. This song made me feel what I didn't really wanna feel right now -- hopelessness over someone.

It's the situation where you want him to be yours, but things don't go your way. You badly want him. But you can only be friends. Right. That's what you can only be.

So I said goodbye to him. And it tore my heart apart.

Hey there

It's already4 in the morning but I can't sleep. Or maybe I just don't feel like sleeping.

Kuya's already in Australia. Cool.

I moved to Kuya Chris' room. And I still got a lot of things to do about this whole thing. Goodluck.

I PROMISE.

I will try my best to post on this blog regularly.

And to start it off, I just came home from our Chalkzone dubbing. My heels are both aching (maybe it's because of hours standing up). I still got an exam tomorrow morning, but I grabbed a Grande a while ago to keep me awake for the night since I still have to review. That's it for tonight.

See you'round.

ASSIGNMENT

Jeralyn Ritchelle C. Narciso

AB-Psychology

Limerick:

My friend and I came to town

To buy a wonderful gown

But we forgot

It’s worth a lot

So we came home with a frown

Cinquain:

Sun

Hot, bright

Burning, sizzling, shining

It keeps me warm

Light

Stars

Tiny, many

Shimmering, twinkling, sparkling

It mesmerizes my eyes

Glitters

Diamete:

Child

Young, sturdy

Playing, learning, running

Innocence, vibrancy, mastery, dullness

Resting, reminiscing, walking

Aged, frail

Elderly

Confused~

I don't know what to do. I know what I'm doing isn't right, but why do I keep on holding on?

I know I CAN'T let go easily. Perhaps I can do that. But that surely will be a tough thing for me.

I used to say I'm scared of KARMA. But with what I'm doing, I think I ate my own words. Why can't I stand up to what I used to think is right?

This is giving me headaches. The major part in me believes this should stop. I MUST put an end to this foolishness.

The sad part is, it seems like my heart isn't ready to let go of it yet.






*SIGH*

Help me. :(

07/08/2010

"I can trust nobody else but myself."

That's what I always tell myself. But I guess I had some doubt about it just now. Sometimes, your heart leads you to being hurt. Because you trusted it. That's the wrong move.

It's really better to let your mind rule over your heart--not the other way around. Your heart lets you feel what you WANT to feel. But your mind is the one who reminds you what you MUST do. We should listen to what our instinct tells us. It never fails to be accurate.

CATS Now and Forever

CATS Now and Forever

With Lea Salonga as Grizabella

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Based on “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats” by T. S. Eliot

Performances starting July 24
For a strictly limited season
Tanghalang Nicanor Abelardo, CCP

Ticket Prices:

Matinee
SAT (3:00pm)
SUN (2:30pm)
PhP7000 PhP5000 PhP3500 PhP2000 PhP1000

Evenings
TUE, WED, THU (8:00pm)
SUN (7:30pm)
PhP6000 PhP4500 PhP3000 PhP1500 PhP750

Evenings
FRI, SAT (8:00pm)
PhP7000 PhP5000 PhP3500 PhP2000 Php1000

Ticket Prices are exclusive of Ticketworld fees.

SHOW DATES (as of April 2010)
SAT July 24 Matinee
SAT July 24 Evening
SUN July 25 Matinee
SUN July 25 Evening
TUE July 27 Evening
WED July 28 Evening
THU July 29 Evening
FRI July 30 Evening
SAT July 31 Matinee
SAT July 31 Evening
SUN August 1 Matinee
SUN August 1 Evening
TUE August 3 Evening
WED August 4 Evening
THU August 5 Evening
FRI August 6 Evening
SAT August 7 Matinee
SAT August 7 Evening
SUN August 8 Matinee
SUN August 8 Evening
TUE August 10 Evening
WED August 11 Evening
THU August 12 Evening
FRI August 13 Evening
SAT August 14 Matinee
SAT August 14 Evening
SUN August 15 Matinee
SUN August 15 Evening

For more info:
FB page (http://facebook.com/catsinmanila)
Tumblr page (http://catsinmanila.tumblr.com)

I wish I can watch this. Lea Salonga is the reason why I liked singing. :)

Why do I deserve an Android phone?

Dear Reader,

Habang nilagay ko sa google ang katagang 'promo philippines', lumitaw ang samu't-saring mga results. Pero may isa dun na talagang naging curious ako: "Im giving away an Android Phone!"

Naexcite ako, at agad kong binasa ang nilalaman. Tinignan ang mga litrato. Napaisip ako:

"Wow. Ang yaman naman ng isang 'to. May HTC na, may Blackberry pa. At take note, ipapamigay pa ang isang samsung phone na meron daw Android OS. Pero siguro, mabait lang talaga siya at hindi selfish."

Pero teka, bago ako tumuloy sa blog na 'to. May isang tanong muna ako:






Ano ba kasi yung 'Android' phone? (FAIL, I know.)

Seryoso, nung una, wala akong kaide-ideya kung ano ba yun. Ang alam ko na lang na Android e yung kalaban nina Son Goku sa Dragonball Z. Salamat sa internet at pwedeng pwedeng i-google kung ano ba talaga yun. :)) Tsaka ko nalaman na operating system pala ng cellphone yun kagaya ng Symbian at iba pa.


Sa parteng ito, siguro naman nahahalata mo na kung bakit ko ngayon gustong magkaroon ng kagaya nun. Hindi naman para maging kagaya nung mga Android sa Dragonball Z na may powers, pero pwede na rin kasi ang cool nila. Parang, kapag may Android phone ka, ang cool mo na din diba?

Gusto kong magkaroon ng phone na kagaya nun dahil kapag nagka-Android phone na ako... hindi na ako magiging inosente na hindi lang pala Dragonball Z ang may kinalaman android. Hahaha!

Gusto kong magkaroon ng phone na kagaya nun dahil hindi naman ako yung tao na bibili ng isang mamahaling gamit. Iipunin ko na lang yun para ipambayad sa tuition ko kung sakali. Praktikal lang. :)

Kaya ngayon, masasabi ko na talagang dahil sa pagiging curious, inosente at totoo sa kung ano talaga ang nasa isip ko at gusto kong sabihin, masasabi kong "I deserve an Android phone".

PS
Sino pa ang unang maniniwalang deserving ako? Walang iba kundi ang sarili ko lang, diba?

Soc.Psych Journal#1

Again, it's been a while since my last post. :|

Can't really manage to write a blog so often. *sigh*

Now here's a blog entry for my weekly Social Psychology Journal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: mpapsych_arel@yahoo.com.ph
Subject: Journal (Psych5, Social Psychology)

Date: July 04, 2010.
Name: Narciso, Jeralyn Ritchelle C.
Topic/Lesson: Introduction to Social Psychology
Time: 2:30-5:30 P.M.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Journal #1.

Dear Reader,

Last Monday, we've finally met our Social Psychology professor. She was nice and I could say that she really knows what she's saying in front of the class. :)

The lesson focused on what Social Psychology is and some other factors related to it.

The class began with an introduction from all of us. Little did I know that she was already trying to observe our behavior and actually testing how we socialize. That's how she started relating the lesson to us.

I've learned that Social Psychology studies how we think about, influence and relate to one another. It's also an investigation on how individuals affect each other.

Aside from the technical meaning of Social Psychology, she also explained first impressions and the importance of it. Just like in an example she has cited, we should be careful on how we make an impression during a job interview. I agree, especially if there are hundreds of other applicants. We must try our best to make a positive impact.

Speaking of impressions, she made an activity for the class as well. She asked us to rate how we think about her in different aspects. On some, we based our answers using our impression of her. By the end of the activity, most of us had scores in the middle since we kind of played safe in answering the items. This only proved that there are really things we will only know once we get to spend some time with that person and know him/her better.

She also made me realize how being observant and analytic in a situation really make a difference. By giving more effort of observing what's happening around you, you can make better judgments and decisions.

The initial topic was really interesting. I hope the next ones would be the same way too. :)

That's all for now, Reader. I'm getting kind of sleepy now.

- Jeralyn Ritchelle C. Narciso aka Jelly

TEEN CLASH

Watch live video from mskyukai on Justin.tv

Sickness Galore. :|

I really hate being SICK. Redundant, I know.. But I'd say that I'm sick of getting sick.

My golly. I've been sick for like 2 weeks straight now. Me hates it soooo much. And because of this I really cant go back to work anymore. Gaaah.

Anywaaaay.

Back to being a normal college-teen-student-dubber-life.

Somehow I missed it, but at times I also miss my work. I miss talking to random people. I miss loooong hours of being over the phone. And most of all, I miss the people--or let's say some people I work with. I miss Team Lemon. I miss Daddy Atong. Etc. Etc.

Well, like what my Dad told me. Health is wealth. If I'm already getting sick, I really should quit whatever makes me sick.

I know, I'll miss that high salary. Those times that I can just easily buy what I want.. and go to different places I'd like. *SIGH*

..

..

Well, that's life. I guess I'd just have to look at the brighter side of life. Perhaps there's more to what I had. Maybe I have something better ahead of me. Think positive. :)

Aaaaaand. About this sickness, I sure hope that I'll be getting well real soon. I hate it. (Who does not, anyway?) =))

RANDOM THOUGHTS~

I want to make a song again, but whenever I try to, I fail. I can write the words, but that's just it. A song isn't a song if there's no melody, right? It's just considered a poem. :(


I get sick so often lately, and this isn't right. :


If only I can turn back time, I'd rather not meet you. You're one of my biggest mistakes.


You're the reason I can't sleep. You give me nightmares even if I'm wide awake.


I miss going to school. I miss my friends. I miss everything I was doing before I got this job.


Am I really gonna quit this time?


I want to go somewhere else and start a new life.

Q1 Changes. :D

Haha. Im just in the middle of the year's first quarter. It's been a while (again) since I last posted.

Anyway, I have a lot to share to you.

So far, I like the start of the year. :)

Let's talk about work. Hmm. I got my 'one time big time' incentive last January so I got P13,500 bonus aside from my regular salary. Believe it or not, I haven't spend that money yet. :)

I'm hoping that I will also be promoted sooner or later. It's kind of difficult to maintain my KPI--now that our account is really getting so demanding. So, I really hope so. I'm praying. *Crosses fingers*

And so far, officemates are still fine. Some people had an impact, some are still the same. But I can only say a thing: people do change.

Speaking of people, I also met few new friends. And I also had some time to catch up with my old ones. And I had time to fall in and out of love again.

Unfortunately, there were ups and downs when it comes to love and life itself. I really realized that you can't make someone fall for you because it's just going a decision which is his to make. You also won't know if he really likes you or what. Love is going to be very vague at firs. Like what I always say, it makes my world go topsy-turvy. But why can't I ever learn? Well I guess I'd have to deal with it. People come and go. Others may leave a mark, others may just be a face to remember.

Real men can be counted in a hand.

FELIZ NAVIDAD! :)

Hola. Just dropped by to say Merry Christmas! :)

It's already Christmas eve. :)

And guess what? Haven't mentioned it yet, but I already bought a new guitar. :D She's AVI. And I really REALLY like her.. ALOT! :D

More blessings to come. :D Thanks Lord. :)

Happy birthday Jesus. :)

HOLLA. :)

Hey. What's up?

I just felt like blogging. Hmm. Lately, I've been having this hesitation about that same guy this blog has been talking about lately. I was thinking if.. I could just let everything be and be back to what we were before. But, I don't know. I just really don't. I feel like I don't want to have any other attachments to him anymore. Perhaps we can just be plain friends. Period.

I know I'm doing the right thing. I just feel it.

Anyway, enough about him.

Hey! I want to buy a guitar! For real. I want to buy that as a christmas gift for myself. haha! I don't know why but I just get excited for the 25th.

Well, I hope y'all have a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS FELLAS. :)

Oh so LOVE December. :)

Hey, what's up?

I haven't blogged for quite a long time huh? :))

Been busy lately. You know what I mean. :))

Soooo.

Time to spill.

Mom just went back to Australia a couple of days ago. By now she's already enjoying her vacation..AGAIN. :))

And you know what? I just had a very, VERY good feeling for december. :D

Wanna know why? Cause all my hard work is paying off. :D God is giving me a lot of blessings that I can't just simply thank him for.

I gave my SE phone to my bro and bought a new one. :)

I have A WHOLE LOT of money from my own pocket now. :D (But of course, I would not intend to have all those spent with non sense stuffs)

and lastly...

IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME! :D

That means Christmas shopping! :D

Just can't wait.

PS--

Thank you Lord. :)

SUDDEN SADNESS~

I'm just surfing the net.

Then..

I remembered my best friends Rachelle and Nico.

RACHELLE -- let's talk about her first.

She's no longer using Fs. And the last time I texted her, her reply is: "Who are you? Don't text me anymore."

I replied. But she didn't. Now I'm still asking myself why.

NICO -- my guy best friend.

I was also texting him. But it was months ago since we had a real conversation.

We had plans of going out. But none of those happened.






Now I'm wondering. They're my best friends. But WHY can't I feel their presence?
Are we still what I think we are? :|
Or am I just the only one left in that memory.





This gave me a sudden feeling of sadness. I feel like crying. Something inside me wants to shout out loud and burst out of tears.

ABANDONMENT.

That's what I'm feeling again. I don't know. I just really don't. I want to keep our communications. I want to see them. But do they? :(

19TH OF OCTOBER

I HATE IT.

I just hate it every time I catch a cold. I'll be okay if I have a fever but it's a big no-no for cough or cold.

Ugh. I also hate drinking meds. Gaaaah.

**remembers something**

We'll be moving to a different house. --sigh.