HEY

My hands are cold, and shaking. My heart beats so fast and I can feel every pounding of it through my chest. My eyes feel like they're going to flow rivers. Endless.

I don't even know why I let myself get into this. I did this to myself. And now I'm hurting so much. I know some people will tell me that I have no right to feel hurt because I was the one who did the wrong move. But hey, I just did myself a favor of being true to my heart. Nobody should tell me now that I have no right to feel hurt, because this is really what I'm feeling right now.

What have I actually done? I was okay the past few days, and here it goes. The year is almost over but there's still some more bad memories who want to complete my experience list. I don't get it. Why do I always, ALWAYS have to go through this kind of sh*t. I've had enough since childhood. Until now. When will I ever be happy?

Crying just makes my eyes look baggy and all. And the worst part is that my mouth has no use as of now. I can't yell, or scream, or shout. I can't. And that just makes it harder for me.

I wanna let it out. I wanna let it all out--out of my heart so the pain would go with the words as I say them, as I yell them--hoping that it would help me feel better.

WHY CAN'T IT BE? WHAT IF? I WISH YOU LOVED ME.

Lately, I've been having this feeling of excitement about someone. He makes me feel happy whenever I talk to him. Maybe it's because I knew that I had feelings for him back in the days. But c'mon. It's been a long time. I don't even know why I was very interested on him again.

We were having a very nice conversation made up of reminiscing the past, giggles, happy thoughts and all. I even took pictures of myself, and I can honestly say that there's something in my eyes.. something I can hardly explain. Though I feel like it's coming from within. Happiness.

We've been okay even until we said our good nights and good mornings. It's the feeling of not getting over the amazing conversation yet. But everything changed when I remembered one thing: he's already taken.

He's already in a very nice relationship and they've been together for quite a long time. This made me realize that I'm just expecting too much out of nothing. I was being carried away by the emotions and happy feeling that I forgot the truth. He's happily living his life before we bumped into each other again. We like each other, and we both know that. But it just can't be.

So I made him listen to the song "Why Can't It Be" by Nina

You came along, unexpectedly
I was doing fine in my little world
Oh baby please don't get me wrong
'Cause I'm not complaining
But you see, you got my mind spinning

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, at the wrong time
Or was it me

Baby I dream of you every minute
You're in my dreams
You're always in it
That's the only place I know
Where you could be mine
And I'm yours (Baby I'm yours)
Only till I wake up

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, (you came along) at the wrong time
Or was it me

REFRAIN:
Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At the wrong place, (you came along) at the wrong time
You came along at the wrong place
At the wrong time
Or was it me (Or was it me)

Why can't it be...

My tears found their way out. And I just can't help it. I kept asking myself. Why? Why was it too late for us. Why didn't things go our way back to the days when we still had the chance.

Actually, I could still be with him. But I don't want to. I told him, I don't want to be a distraction on his relationship. I know myself too well. I will be hurt. And I wanted to avoid it. But still, another question runs through my mind. What If?

And while browsing for songs that I can dedicate to him, I found Kate Winslet's "What If"

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

If we could only turn back time. But no, we can't. So we'll really never know. And I'd just have to deal with it.

But you know what? I'm still hoping, though I know it's never gonna happen. I asked him, "Do you love her?" and he answered "Yes." He even told me that he loves me and he didn't want me to stay away and leave. The exact words would be:

Boy: Mahal kita. (I love you.)
Girl: Pero mas mahal mo siya. (But you love her more.)

How I just wish it's me instead. How I wish he loved me. Only me.

And what I wanted to tell him has been pre-written in Tynisha Keli's "I Wish You Loved Me"

Somethin, somethin as simple as me hearin' your name (hearin' your name)
Puts me, puts me in a place that i can't even explain (uh oh, noO i ain't never been here before)
I really didn't know back then but right now I'm totally sure
Baby, i know I'm your friend but i wanna be much more (o0oh)

I get butterflies when i see you comin', o0o boy you got me runnin'
This feelin' in my stomach tells me i should be your woman
Because your the only one who makes my fairy tale come true

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

VERSE TWO:
I see, i see you talkin' to them girls on the phone
I wish that i could tell them all to leave you alone
Really didn't know back then, but right now I'm totally sure
Wh0aa who0 that i wanna be much more

Boy this is why, i never really liked your girlfriends (why)
Never really gave them a chance (why)

Because I realized that I'm your woman, your woman

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

BRIDGE:
Said if you really love somebody, i mean really really really, really love somebody
Let me hear you say yeah, let me hear you say yeah, yeahh
If you really know you need them, and you know deep down you never gonna leave them
Let me hear you say yeah yeah, hear you say yeah yeah

CHORUS:
How can someone make me so sad, but still i only want them to stay
I wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away
Please, i wish that you'll understand that i wanna be more than just your friend
I wish you loved me

It's such a..Uhm.. I don't know. This song just struck me like so bad. This song made me feel what I didn't really wanna feel right now -- hopelessness over someone.

It's the situation where you want him to be yours, but things don't go your way. You badly want him. But you can only be friends. Right. That's what you can only be.

So I said goodbye to him. And it tore my heart apart.